Saturday, December 29, 2007
those who know me know that i really don't like to overanalyze things, but i think that lives within the framework of always having someone to bounce my ideas off of, when i need it. i believe i am feeling the effects of not having that. and sometimes, i like advise. i like to get a fresh perspective.
posted by Mar at 9:55 PM
today while i was out, i don't know why or what triggered it, but i had some immense moments of clarity. it almost stole my breath away. i have been pondering the thoughts for some time since that moment, since i really was unsure of how to take them... i guess, just trying to decide how important they should be. after all, they seemed to come from nowhere.
going through divorce is very telling of who really cares for you. everyone swore they wouldn't pick sides, but what happened? everyone that i considered close friends and family from his side totally left me out to dry. i really don't care anymore, it just confirmed what i already knew would happen. i think one of the hardest adjustments i will make is not having somewhat of a built-in best friend anymore. i do love my independence but i like balance with it.
i cherish life at its simplest. i crave it. when life circumstances move beyond that, i find myself in situations where i don’t know how to react, and what i should and should not react to. i realize things change, and i can’t dwell in simplicity, but coming to grips with complex situations can be a daunting task. i suppose the difficult aspect is balancing my feelings and actions with those of others. i’m selfish; there’s no getting around it. but, not in a malicious way. instead, in a way that protects me and gives me confidence. so now, i’ve come to this point, or almost to this point, where things need to change. the thing is, if they don’t, i’ll be okay but will i be happy? in the past, i would have just walked partially blind through life. but, i’m more aware of the whole picture lately and want to face every aspect of a situation as it comes into view, not as it’s forced upon me. so where am i left? really unclear mostly. even through all my psychobabble, day to day, i am good. i smile and laugh. but my future is very open, for the first time in a very long time, and that is exciting also. i just don’t want it to pass me by.
i suspect some would be surprised at how indecisive i can be at times. i like to think i have a pretty clear idea of where i’m going and what i want, but sometimes it is incredibly unclear. and, my emotions swing with the minutes. this lends me to sometimes hesitate, as making flash decisions can be deadly. on the other hand, sometimes the first instinct is right, especially when it is an instinct that has been lingering for some time. i feel that now, and it is hard to ignore. if only i could wrap my head and my heart around the same understanding. i am vague, i know. this will become clearer, as i talk through a more precise path of where i’ve been and where this leads.
sometimes i freak out. i’m not perfect and today is one of those days. i have not had a blog in some time, but felt i needed some kind of outlet. a lot of the things i speak of, i can’t openly discuss with others. so, if you’ve found this, i would hope you can seperate yourself from my words, as they are just my thoughts. my freedom to work things out.