Monday, April 28, 2008
i am tired. mentally and physically, i feel drained. i doubt it is very visible on the surface, but my i've been thinking in overdrive about what direction to take with my professional life. i decided to back out of applying for another position here; i wasn't sure i really wanted to do it. plus, should i take the path i am thinking about, i'll need a low key job for a while that is fairly easy to handle. my focus will be elsewhere. so, after a delay from my previous schoolwork due to personal and family issues, i think i want to get back onto that track. i thought about doing something different (going into culinary?) but i am not sure that industry is something i want to live in long term. so, i think i'll take some prep classes this summer and fall, and see if i can prepare for a nursing program again. should i be in a good place financially to do that, i will. then, the plan would be to work for 2 years and get my pre-reqs done to enter the P.A. program at UW. That's two more years there. this will take a while; but without having the time or money to go full fledge into medical school, this is a good path. i imagine there might be some shifts down the road but for now, i sort of have a goal in mind. i'm tired of talking myself out of things because i think it's going to be too hard or take too long. i know i can do this.
posted by Mar at 9:36 AM
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
back. so soon, yes. so, taking a little help from the.ethical.slut, i am trying to own my feelings. everything i feel is due to me - no one else MAKES me feel as i do. this is easier said than done, but i find, the more i remind myself of it, the more i come to really believe it and feel it at my core. it is somewhat comforting to this way, because it means that there is always the possiblity and the ability - to feel better. i'm not waiting on anyone, i'm not dependent on anyone to get there.
i found this book called, 'how to sleep alone in a king-sized bed'. it's a memoir about divorce. the title is so fitting; i've struggled with the king-sized bed thing many nights. so, i'll read this book.. maybe it'll shed some light on how to get past some of the struggles i am now facing. i'm not over this, that i know. eventhough i've lived the same way for the past months, this feels different. and, it's scary and it feels lonely. it feels like no one understands, nor really gets the difficulty of moving forward.
i found this book called, 'how to sleep alone in a king-sized bed'. it's a memoir about divorce. the title is so fitting; i've struggled with the king-sized bed thing many nights. so, i'll read this book.. maybe it'll shed some light on how to get past some of the struggles i am now facing. i'm not over this, that i know. eventhough i've lived the same way for the past months, this feels different. and, it's scary and it feels lonely. it feels like no one understands, nor really gets the difficulty of moving forward.
eh, i've had better days. i am in no mood to work either. feeling down leads me to eat sugar so i'm making my way through a bag of chocolate-covered gummy bears. this week has been off. i think i've been trying to 'figure things out' so badly i've gotten nowhere. for the first time in a long time, it seems like nothing is going my way. i don't mean for this to sound like a pity party but honest, that is what it feels like right now. i think about different aspects of what's going on with me and others in my life, and it seems like each situation leaves much to be desired. *sigh*
Monday, April 21, 2008
oh, one thing i can say, is that i'm not proud or okay with how i've been acting and feeling lately. it doesn't feel completely like me and i guess it feels like i don't have control. i know i can't force myself back to 'normal' (whatever that is) but maybe if i just plug along, it'll come more easily than i realize.
you'd think i would have a lot to say after the past week but not really. i feel uneasy. i feel unsure. i've had my morning coffee but it didn't do anything. i want to get away but have felt irresponsible with my money lately. and, i had a mini-getaway just a few days back but reality of 'regular' life has already set back in. damn.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
for always wanting to be so in control of my emotions and keeping them in check, i'm proud that when i need it - i can be okay with not being okay. granted, it's hard and something i don't do often. it feels better though. i guess what really feels better is just knowing i'm not alone in this. i might be losing a lot but it's not all loss. there can be strength that comes from going through this, and i hope it can be looked at as a positive step forward.
Monday, April 14, 2008
so, what have i done this week? i've thought. i've thought about things, as everyone does at a crossroads. on a professional level, i've thought about going back to school; i've thought about moving within my company, i've thought about switching professions. on a personal level, i've thought about taking up new hobbies; i've thought about leaving seattle; i've thought about how i spend my time; i've thought about my relationships and which are valuable and need to be embraced and which suck energy from me. i'll admit, i don't often come to any quick conclusions, which, for me, is a good thing. since, i tend to act spontaneously if given the opportunity. that being said, with big decisions, i tend to analyze and weigh options carefully. and, there are some risks i am not willing to take - risks that would involve being careless about money or relationships or my job.
i've felt very sheltered lately though. i've realized how many experiences i've not had, how many things i am not knowledgable about, how many places i have not seen, how many skills i lack. this sounds negative. it's not really.. it's more realization that i am at a beginning and have a wide open space to fill. so much so, that it's hard to know where to start.
one thing i know i should focus on, is dealing with, and struggling through, things and situations that make me uneasy. this is difficult. but, i want to get there.
i've found this a good opportunity to re-evaluate my diet and my exercise as well. i recently saw some pictures of myself, and was shocked, essentially, at how i looked. i looked nice. i looked comfortable in my weight. that is hard for me to see from my own perspective. additionally, being in recent company who shares a love for food and good sensibility about eating well has helped me tremendously. so yeah, i don't know where all of this is going. but i do know that this week is important for me. it's important that i get through it and that i come to peace with it.
i've felt very sheltered lately though. i've realized how many experiences i've not had, how many things i am not knowledgable about, how many places i have not seen, how many skills i lack. this sounds negative. it's not really.. it's more realization that i am at a beginning and have a wide open space to fill. so much so, that it's hard to know where to start.
one thing i know i should focus on, is dealing with, and struggling through, things and situations that make me uneasy. this is difficult. but, i want to get there.
i've found this a good opportunity to re-evaluate my diet and my exercise as well. i recently saw some pictures of myself, and was shocked, essentially, at how i looked. i looked nice. i looked comfortable in my weight. that is hard for me to see from my own perspective. additionally, being in recent company who shares a love for food and good sensibility about eating well has helped me tremendously. so yeah, i don't know where all of this is going. but i do know that this week is important for me. it's important that i get through it and that i come to peace with it.
Monday, April 7, 2008
i've never been good at making or keeping friends. and, for the most part, i'm okay with it. it might sound bad, but there's a lot of work involved in building friendships, and if i don't click with someone, i am not going to waste my time. i'm picky, i guess. the downside of this, is that, like now, i find myself dealing with life changing situations and strong emotions, myself. sometimes i want it to be this way. sometimes, i'd rather just be distracted. and sometimes, i wish i didn't feel like i was always burdening others - and thus, just keeping to myself. there's a delicate balance between dumping/over-sharing and asking for support. i don't have a good gauge on that balance yet. i always think i'm on the dumping end, even if it's not really true. at some point, i really want to - i want to trust someone and feel comfortable enough that i can just be open about the fact that i'm going through some things.. and that i might need some help. asking is hard.
i am feeling overwhelmed and it has nothing to do with work. sometimes the things i am 'supposed' to be just feel like a lot. i can already tell that the next few weeks will be a struggle. music helps. it helps me get lost.
blah. another weekend past and it was good but something lacked. it wasn't in the company or the events; maybe something kind of abstract at this time. maybe just feeling restless .. restless for a getaway. i don't think it matters where or for what; mostly just for the detachment. *sigh*
i should stop talking, and whining about it and just figure something out.
i should stop talking, and whining about it and just figure something out.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Maybe someday I'll find someone who is somewhat on the same wavelength as I am about fitness, health, and eating. I'm not sure that exists. Maybe because I'm sporadic about it; inconsistent. I work out hard, like to enjoy food, and still can't completely shake the neuroticism of getting older and feeling like what I do isn't enough. All it is, is the standards I hold for myself. I know I am not perfect, never will be, and never want to be. Maybe the striving for goals is healthy, and maybe never reaching them is also so. I don't know.
I need to start helping out at home. I'm not sure how and when, but I know it needs to happen. I've been neglecting it. I don't think I mean to - I just get busy. I am busy. But, that should not be an excuse. I am good at excuses.
I walked Broadway by myself this evening. Maybe I'm not anywhere as punk as I used to be, but sometimes the whole image I have created for myself just doesn't seem to fit. I know it was mostly due to necessity of the workplace. But, I don't feel such pressure in that arena any longer. Maybe it's time to make some other changes.
What a random post. My thoughts are all over the place.
Court is two weeks from tomorrow. I know it's affecting me; not a lot but it's there. Lately, I think back on the situation and how I handled it. And, I honestly am surprised he is even talking to me. It sometimes seems that it just simply means he's a better person than I would have been. I think that often about others over myself. Sometimes it feels like I'm just more evil. Or, maybe it's really that I am just not as caring or forgiving as everyone else (under certain circumstances). If that is a flaw, then so be it. Or, maybe, all it is, is that, like me, he realized that this was the better path. It could be as simple as that. I understand the feelings behind the decisions that cross my path and how they shape my personality. And while I always know I can strive for better, being somewhat disconnected (at times) can be advantageous.
My last topic is feeling a bit too personal to share here, at least right now. Suffice to say, the feelings that go along with it are not something I can verbalize or write about. There are no words sometimes to explain the things that make you tingle.
I need to start helping out at home. I'm not sure how and when, but I know it needs to happen. I've been neglecting it. I don't think I mean to - I just get busy. I am busy. But, that should not be an excuse. I am good at excuses.
I walked Broadway by myself this evening. Maybe I'm not anywhere as punk as I used to be, but sometimes the whole image I have created for myself just doesn't seem to fit. I know it was mostly due to necessity of the workplace. But, I don't feel such pressure in that arena any longer. Maybe it's time to make some other changes.
What a random post. My thoughts are all over the place.
Court is two weeks from tomorrow. I know it's affecting me; not a lot but it's there. Lately, I think back on the situation and how I handled it. And, I honestly am surprised he is even talking to me. It sometimes seems that it just simply means he's a better person than I would have been. I think that often about others over myself. Sometimes it feels like I'm just more evil. Or, maybe it's really that I am just not as caring or forgiving as everyone else (under certain circumstances). If that is a flaw, then so be it. Or, maybe, all it is, is that, like me, he realized that this was the better path. It could be as simple as that. I understand the feelings behind the decisions that cross my path and how they shape my personality. And while I always know I can strive for better, being somewhat disconnected (at times) can be advantageous.
My last topic is feeling a bit too personal to share here, at least right now. Suffice to say, the feelings that go along with it are not something I can verbalize or write about. There are no words sometimes to explain the things that make you tingle.