Friday, May 30, 2008
i feel like so much has happened in the past 24 hours but i'm not sure there is any benefit to blogging it. i've worked through most of it - at least the parts that do not involve work. i could have done it on my own, but if i had done so - it would just keep perpetuating itself into something larger. the hardest part for me is showing vulnerability to someone else. it makes me feel weak. i'm trying to get over this because it's life.. life can be hard and sometimes you need to rely on someone else for support. i am proud because i have worked hard to change my thought process - and i understand that my issues lie with me. it's not what someone else did or didn't do; it's how i react to it. and, that is a big step.
posted by Mar at 11:08 AM
Thursday, May 29, 2008
perceptions can be incredibly deceiving, even when they're directed at the self. for example, i took a picture of myself over the past weekend and when i see what i look like, it's so far from how i perceive myself to look. i think i have a slight neuroticism about this. i wouldn't call it bdd, i'm not that bad - but it bothers me. i don't feel slender. i feel average to pudgy in places. i don't strive to be perfect but i do strive to be comfortable with myself, and being that is more difficult than i thought.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
it's late and i'm still at work. it's quiet though, and i can get a lot done. still, it's late and i'm at work.
so, i'm feeling good. i finally made the decision to take a freakin' vacation. it's about time. this is years overdue. i've never taken a proper vacation since i was young and it was a family vacation. i've gone years of working and just taking a day off here and there. this is an opportune time, as school will keep me busy and financially unstable for the forseeable future after this summer. i wasn't sure what kind of vacation i wanted. i always want to be active but i also know i need to be able to relax if i want to. so, i picked something that seems to be a balance of both. plus, financially, there is a benefit to the way i've planned this. it's definitely a huge splurge, but i can rationalize it in so many ways. so yeah, i have some planning to do but it is very exciting. go me.
so, i'm feeling good. i finally made the decision to take a freakin' vacation. it's about time. this is years overdue. i've never taken a proper vacation since i was young and it was a family vacation. i've gone years of working and just taking a day off here and there. this is an opportune time, as school will keep me busy and financially unstable for the forseeable future after this summer. i wasn't sure what kind of vacation i wanted. i always want to be active but i also know i need to be able to relax if i want to. so, i picked something that seems to be a balance of both. plus, financially, there is a benefit to the way i've planned this. it's definitely a huge splurge, but i can rationalize it in so many ways. so yeah, i have some planning to do but it is very exciting. go me.
i'm so fleeting. i get ideas, and thoughts, and even before i can act - i might change my mind. sometimes, i think this is why spontaneity is important for me. and sometimes, it works against me. in another side of my brain, i am internally struggling with being okay with planning ahead. i guess sometimes it feels binding. but, there is value in being comfortable enough to make a commitment to something. i want to be there.
i can't pinpoint it, but i'm feeling uncomfortable.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
for the past few weeks, i've been dealing with this mild fear of messing up. i know what it is too. i'm involved in something that is very important to me, and i'm afraid i'm going to screw it up. whether this fear is rational or not, i don't know. well okay, maybe i do know - i know that all i can do is handle myself in the best way i know how and to be respectful and honest at all times. where this will lead me, i don't know, but i'm starting from scratch. i'm recognizing this as a fear so that i can face it.
DAMN IT!!! i just wrote out this long-ass post about what's up this week, and how the weekend was, and everything and it didn't save! psh, well, i guess the best i can do then, is link to this. :-)
Friday, May 23, 2008
new layout! i like it.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
i'm obsessed with these little vanilla creme cookies at work. i was staring at the vending machine and i resisted and bought the pretzles. go me.
sometimes, little things make all the difference. here's todays. for the not-so-recent past, i was a wife, and i got used to being referred to as such. before that, i was a fiance for a good period of time. it's been a long time since i've been a girlfriend. there's something so playful and lightheared that passes through me and jolts my heart a bit when i read that word - and only because of the source from which it comes.
so, otherwise, i am well. i had a bad day yesterday, and i freaked out a bit. i'm still working through some things. i think i have a better support system than i realized. sometimes, i think i'm hesitant to use it. one thing i'm working on is the balance (and defining the limits) of being self sufficient and independent, and still enjoying and wanting to turn to my significant other. i mean, if i was completely independent, i would not need a relationship - i want the relationship to compliment me and i'm trying to figure out what that is. i am super self conscious about people having space in a relationship, and not becoming needy (me or others). on the other hand, if i never let anyone completely in or let them help me when i need it, i think i'm depriving myself of the good parts of the relationship. so, this is a work in progress.
today was a good day. the boyfriend and i are getting out of town this weekend and going to winthrop. it should be relaxing, and hopefully we'll get to do some hiking. otherwise, we interviewed a dude today who is going to be a *perfect* fit in our department. i am excited! i hope it works out for him; he seems like a keeper. i have to work late today to make up for going to see indiana jones this afternoon. it's ok though; i wanted to jailbreak my phone tonight and go shopping. but, i'm not sure there will be time for all that, and laundry/packing, and the 2-hour season finale of grey's anatomy.
sometimes, little things make all the difference. here's todays. for the not-so-recent past, i was a wife, and i got used to being referred to as such. before that, i was a fiance for a good period of time. it's been a long time since i've been a girlfriend. there's something so playful and lightheared that passes through me and jolts my heart a bit when i read that word - and only because of the source from which it comes.
so, otherwise, i am well. i had a bad day yesterday, and i freaked out a bit. i'm still working through some things. i think i have a better support system than i realized. sometimes, i think i'm hesitant to use it. one thing i'm working on is the balance (and defining the limits) of being self sufficient and independent, and still enjoying and wanting to turn to my significant other. i mean, if i was completely independent, i would not need a relationship - i want the relationship to compliment me and i'm trying to figure out what that is. i am super self conscious about people having space in a relationship, and not becoming needy (me or others). on the other hand, if i never let anyone completely in or let them help me when i need it, i think i'm depriving myself of the good parts of the relationship. so, this is a work in progress.
today was a good day. the boyfriend and i are getting out of town this weekend and going to winthrop. it should be relaxing, and hopefully we'll get to do some hiking. otherwise, we interviewed a dude today who is going to be a *perfect* fit in our department. i am excited! i hope it works out for him; he seems like a keeper. i have to work late today to make up for going to see indiana jones this afternoon. it's ok though; i wanted to jailbreak my phone tonight and go shopping. but, i'm not sure there will be time for all that, and laundry/packing, and the 2-hour season finale of grey's anatomy.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
i had been really okay using this as an outlet. it seemed a good way for me to work thorugh things on my own.
however, i am kind of sick and fucking tired of doing it. i'm tired of losing my support system and not getting anything in it's place. i'm tired of not wanting to burden anyone else with my 'issues' and keeping them to myself. i'm tired of feeling like there's no one to 'go home' to. this is me, slightly freaking out about it. and really, totally god damned needing change and not knowing how to create that.
the problem becomes, creating what i need does not come slowly or easily. and so, that leaves me here. in this place. i guess i get over it somehow. maybe i stop writing here, i don't know.
however, i am kind of sick and fucking tired of doing it. i'm tired of losing my support system and not getting anything in it's place. i'm tired of not wanting to burden anyone else with my 'issues' and keeping them to myself. i'm tired of feeling like there's no one to 'go home' to. this is me, slightly freaking out about it. and really, totally god damned needing change and not knowing how to create that.
the problem becomes, creating what i need does not come slowly or easily. and so, that leaves me here. in this place. i guess i get over it somehow. maybe i stop writing here, i don't know.
today, i miss being married.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
i'm feeling very blah today. i ran twice, which i needed because otherwise, nothing exciting happened and sometimes that just gets me down. not that i'm a stimulus whore all the time but the mundane does wear on me.
so, something bothersome happened at work. it's not work related though. lisa, my best friend that's a girl (and whom i trust completely), was telling me this story (gossip) about this dude that works with us. i don't know him well, but he's always been extremely nice to me. i didn't know his name so inquired with her. apparently, he's just been left by his wife. she just up and left. lisa explained how they were having problems and had thought about counceling. but, she decided she did not want to and left him. he's been heartbroken and missed 4 days of work. so, lisa goes on and on about how he's such a nice guy, and how could she do that.. blah blah. and, i'm on the fence. yes, he seems pretty great but at the same time - i'm sure she had her reasons. i guess it just made me feel kind of bad. it made me feel like people think i'm the bad one. which, maybe it's true, but they never understand the whole story. i know people make judgements based on what they know and usually, it is on inaccurate or incomplete data. but hell, that's life. so anyway, it feels like a week of hearing about how nice guys finish last.
so, something bothersome happened at work. it's not work related though. lisa, my best friend that's a girl (and whom i trust completely), was telling me this story (gossip) about this dude that works with us. i don't know him well, but he's always been extremely nice to me. i didn't know his name so inquired with her. apparently, he's just been left by his wife. she just up and left. lisa explained how they were having problems and had thought about counceling. but, she decided she did not want to and left him. he's been heartbroken and missed 4 days of work. so, lisa goes on and on about how he's such a nice guy, and how could she do that.. blah blah. and, i'm on the fence. yes, he seems pretty great but at the same time - i'm sure she had her reasons. i guess it just made me feel kind of bad. it made me feel like people think i'm the bad one. which, maybe it's true, but they never understand the whole story. i know people make judgements based on what they know and usually, it is on inaccurate or incomplete data. but hell, that's life. so anyway, it feels like a week of hearing about how nice guys finish last.
Monday, May 19, 2008
today is victoria day in canada. i guess it seems kind of ironic that it's also the day i would have had my 1 year wedding anniversary, and one year ago today, i was standing in victoria, canada - having what was (at the time) an immensely magical day. so, reflection begins, and i think about what has transpired in the last year. usually, time seems to go by so fast but in this case, the last year seems like an eternity. so much has changed. yet, in some areas, i am no farther along than i was. i hope to use this day to feel grateful for what i had, what i have, and for some kind of jumping off point to make progress in areas i still struggle with.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
it has been a difficult week, sort of. i guess i still am astonished at how fast the weeks go by. it's almost summer now, and the time seems to have just flown. i'm not sure i'm in a better place than i was a week ago. sometimes i feel great and sometimes i feel horrible. i guess, if i could have a goal, it would be to be more consistent. i always try to be, but sometimes i fluctuate and i really think i would be less intrusive and emotional with those around me if i were more consistent in my moods.
i am tired of censoring my blog posts. i've got all these entries in draft because, for some reason or another, i'm afraid to post them. maybe it's fear of what others will think i think, or fear of what they'll think of me. either way, i intend to be more upfront with what i want to say, because, for better or worse, this should be the one place where i can be completely open.
i am tired of censoring my blog posts. i've got all these entries in draft because, for some reason or another, i'm afraid to post them. maybe it's fear of what others will think i think, or fear of what they'll think of me. either way, i intend to be more upfront with what i want to say, because, for better or worse, this should be the one place where i can be completely open.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
what do i do when i struggle? i want to run. i have overwhelming urges that i fight. but, they always seem to pass. never indefinitely though, just until i feel the twinge again. perhaps something about my personality will always allow this dichotomy to exist. there is nothing horrifying about it, as long as i can manage it.
Monday, May 12, 2008
one of the major things i need to work on is asking for what i need/want. asking for help, for support, for guidance, for whatever. i suck at this, big time. i guess i value my independence a lot, and asking always feels like giving in. it makes me feel needy. who likes to feel needy? but, aside from that, the bigger issue is, how to get over this. i suppose diving right in might be a good start. take, for example, today. i can think of 10 things i could have asked for today that would have made a huge improvement in the course of my day. they were all little things; minute! but, did i say anything? hell no. why not? i don't know. because i was afraid or something.. and i did not want to appear NEEDY. i know i'll need help getting over this. but asking for help in order to learn to ask for help sounds retarded. please forgive the tone, i'm just trying to figure out what to do.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
for all the confusion and crisis i've felt lately, today is different. today, if even it only lasts a short, i'm in a good place. i've struggled with my head and my heart being out of sync and for the first time, i feel some significant progress. i feel as if they've taken a step towards each other; towards a common understanding and place. further than that, i feel as if i'm part of something bigger. i've become intertwined in something that is more than just me and that really, truly, brings out the best in me. and, that may sound corny but by 'best' - i mean more than just that. i mean, i face fears, i deal with struggle, i feel strength, i try to be better. and while i may seem focused on myself, it is that improvement that makes me able to share a better me.
to step away from such deep thoughts of a personal nature.. today was mothers' day. and, it is an intensely difficult day for me. it makes me reflect and wish things were as they were 5 years ago, or further back. it makes me long for conversation, and laughter, and understanding, as it was. maybe more grounded in reality than i should be, i put on the bold face and i block out the emotion as best i can. but i'm tired. i'm tired of the now, and the loss of the familial bond. i'm tired of the awkward silences at dinner, and me sitting there: trying to avoid questions and at the same time, trying to keep my story straight. i don't do well under the veil of secrecy. yet, i am afraid. i am afraid of being a disappointment to my family when they should be the ones i gain the most support from. either way, i'm not comfortable but it is as it is. i'm not ready to face them.
to step away from such deep thoughts of a personal nature.. today was mothers' day. and, it is an intensely difficult day for me. it makes me reflect and wish things were as they were 5 years ago, or further back. it makes me long for conversation, and laughter, and understanding, as it was. maybe more grounded in reality than i should be, i put on the bold face and i block out the emotion as best i can. but i'm tired. i'm tired of the now, and the loss of the familial bond. i'm tired of the awkward silences at dinner, and me sitting there: trying to avoid questions and at the same time, trying to keep my story straight. i don't do well under the veil of secrecy. yet, i am afraid. i am afraid of being a disappointment to my family when they should be the ones i gain the most support from. either way, i'm not comfortable but it is as it is. i'm not ready to face them.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
i can admit it, a part of me (a big part) is scared to travel. scared to venture into the unfamiliar. but, what do i gain by waiting? i am dealing with a lot of things that i fear now, and sometimes i want to run away but then i realize, nothing is gained from that. i don't learn, i don't get anywhere.
Friday, May 2, 2008
it's friday. thank god. however, this friday has me uneasy. i hate that i'm so all over the map emotionally. that is not normal for me, nor is it easy to deal with. i had that train of thought this morning again - the one where i wonder if i've made the correct decisions. where i question myself. some submersing (sp?) in music, and mocha, and exercise might break this.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
i can't exactly pinpoint it, but i feel.. confused. it's a feeling of being pulled in a lot of directions at once, and yet, i can't turn towards anything and think, 'THAT... will clear things up for me... THAT.. will make it better".
i guess for all it's worth, at least trying to paper (type) what's going on helps. at the root of much of my alone-ness is STILL the loss of everyone i was close to prior to my divorce. i knew i'd be starting over relationship-wise, i didn't realize it would also be without much of a support center at all. *shrugs* well, it is what it is. all i can do is start over. again.
sometimes i think i type in circles. i know this happens because nothing is getting resolved. if i knew how to get there, i'd already be there.
i guess for all it's worth, at least trying to paper (type) what's going on helps. at the root of much of my alone-ness is STILL the loss of everyone i was close to prior to my divorce. i knew i'd be starting over relationship-wise, i didn't realize it would also be without much of a support center at all. *shrugs* well, it is what it is. all i can do is start over. again.
sometimes i think i type in circles. i know this happens because nothing is getting resolved. if i knew how to get there, i'd already be there.