i. am. good.
i have worked way too hard this week and really not had any kind of daily consistency or routine. between work and doing fun things, it's been a tiring but very enjoyable week. i've learned some things and am pretty excited about doing some more research on my own; being informed is a good thing. and, the possibilities seem very positive and endless right now, which i love.
posted by Mar at 4:20 PM
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
is it wrong to, all of a sudden, really not know what direction your life is going in? what it does mean is that the present is more important than the future, and definitely the past. so, it doesn't feel wrong it just feels new. even just 6 months ago, life seemed clear. it wasn't entirely fulfilling or happy but it was clear. i can say though, that i would rather be in this place because it also means there is opportunity. there isn't much keeping me from changing career paths, moving to a new city, or taking up new hobbies. i need to make a bucket list.
Monday, January 28, 2008
today was a very off day. i don't have many but when i do, they just don't fall in place at all. the best 1/2 hour of my day was getting my hair trimmed.
i swear, i've had many different types of managers, but they were all at least that -- a manager. this one needs to grow some balls. he can't stand up to his boss; which results in him shoving work off onto all of us. he doesn't know how to handle it. he freaks out about everything, and wants to come and cry to us about it. shut up. i don't care or deserve to have to listen to your issues. you should be handling your own shit and if you can't; then figure it out. don't use me as a sounding board. and, btw, learn to treat people with respect. you are not my teenage son. don't talk back, don't whine, don't poke fun, and don't be RUDE. and do some fuckin' work. life's easier when you're not around, which says something for your workload. i do 100 times more work than you, yet you get to sit behind your desk and make your friends and a ton more money than you deserve.
i swear, i've had many different types of managers, but they were all at least that -- a manager. this one needs to grow some balls. he can't stand up to his boss; which results in him shoving work off onto all of us. he doesn't know how to handle it. he freaks out about everything, and wants to come and cry to us about it. shut up. i don't care or deserve to have to listen to your issues. you should be handling your own shit and if you can't; then figure it out. don't use me as a sounding board. and, btw, learn to treat people with respect. you are not my teenage son. don't talk back, don't whine, don't poke fun, and don't be RUDE. and do some fuckin' work. life's easier when you're not around, which says something for your workload. i do 100 times more work than you, yet you get to sit behind your desk and make your friends and a ton more money than you deserve.
technical issues are keeping me from doing work. ah well.
right now is one of those times i wish i had more patience. i don't know what my deal is; i think i get this way because it's tied to the fact that i feel accomplished when i get things done. however, that is really only relevant in certain circumstances. like work. it might also be due to me having a pretty good idea of where i am going. well, the framework is there but the details are blurry. and, having ideas is different than knowing anything about what kind of life circumstances will emerge from them.
right now is one of those times i wish i had more patience. i don't know what my deal is; i think i get this way because it's tied to the fact that i feel accomplished when i get things done. however, that is really only relevant in certain circumstances. like work. it might also be due to me having a pretty good idea of where i am going. well, the framework is there but the details are blurry. and, having ideas is different than knowing anything about what kind of life circumstances will emerge from them.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
i really do waste a lot of time when i don't have anyone around. for example, i probably spent 2 hours this morning decided what to keep and what to throw out of the pantry. i kept wondering if i would ever really eat some of the stuff i have, and finally decided no.
the weekend has been very up and down. one thing i am releaved about, is, i thought i would be very emotional over finally living alone and losing the housing partner i have had for 5 years but i was not. i am okay; i am actually good. there is this general feeling of being free, and i adore it. one thing i have learned from a friend of a friend, is, if you are single and are TRYING to meet someone, it can be an expensive feat, if you want it to be. i, on the other hand, am pretty okay not TRYING to find anything right now. it always seems to find me.
the weekend has been very up and down. one thing i am releaved about, is, i thought i would be very emotional over finally living alone and losing the housing partner i have had for 5 years but i was not. i am okay; i am actually good. there is this general feeling of being free, and i adore it. one thing i have learned from a friend of a friend, is, if you are single and are TRYING to meet someone, it can be an expensive feat, if you want it to be. i, on the other hand, am pretty okay not TRYING to find anything right now. it always seems to find me.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
i have noticed this week that i have a lot more energy. i can stay up late, i don't feel so tired in the morning, and it's easier not to stumble through the day. i don't think i realized how much stress was affecting me. not to say i am not currently stressed out, but i am better.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
the thought of living on my own is very good. the little things mean the most.. if i have to work late, i can and don't have to call anyone to let them know; i can spend my time doing pointless things that i don't have to explain; i can be spontaneous and go out late at night if i want, and not get the evil eye. so yes, i am looking forward to it. i can eat donuts in the middle of the night, even. and i might.
otherwise, i am well. my heart is in a better place now than it has been in some time. just, in that, it has calmed a bit. situations around me still feel chaotic but that can be okay. adjustments are still being made, and i am good with that.
otherwise, i am well. my heart is in a better place now than it has been in some time. just, in that, it has calmed a bit. situations around me still feel chaotic but that can be okay. adjustments are still being made, and i am good with that.
Monday, January 21, 2008
oh hell. if i tried to analyze everything that happened today, i think i might actually want to kill myself. right now, i'm kind of in reactive mode. digesting mode. it's not a bad thing either. sometimes, i just need to let things be. i don't even know what i feel either; it's not good or bad.. it just feels strong.
i have not been sleeping well either; the night has turned out to be the perfect quiet time to gather my thoughts.
i have not been sleeping well either; the night has turned out to be the perfect quiet time to gather my thoughts.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
i don't think i was ready to fall back into reality. sometimes i want to run away at the same time i wish time would hurry and clear things up. i'm in this place now that feels very unfamiliar. i am finding comfort in the unknown; it helps me not get ahead of myself. it keeps me on my toes.
i believe myself to be fairly emotionally stable and adaptive. but, even so, i sometimes question my judgement. it feels okay; i think it's just a double-check to keep myself in line - to make sure i'm not totally fucking up my future.
i believe myself to be fairly emotionally stable and adaptive. but, even so, i sometimes question my judgement. it feels okay; i think it's just a double-check to keep myself in line - to make sure i'm not totally fucking up my future.
Friday, January 18, 2008
i am cold. the condo is cold. i am putting music on my sansa for the drive tomorrow. i'm looking forward to the whole experience, but not necessarily the driving.
interestingly, i think the work environment can be a very electric place. similar to working in a restaurant, the buzz of daily office life, i think, can skew perceptions. perhaps maybe i interact with those i might not otherwise, and maybe i treat conversations differently than had they occured in the outside world. this is vague for a reason; it does not need to be specific.
i have done a ton of thinking in the past few days. it is the kind of thinking that feels circular; thoughts lead to other thoughts but, in the end, the same conclusions are reached regardless of how you get there.
interestingly, i think the work environment can be a very electric place. similar to working in a restaurant, the buzz of daily office life, i think, can skew perceptions. perhaps maybe i interact with those i might not otherwise, and maybe i treat conversations differently than had they occured in the outside world. this is vague for a reason; it does not need to be specific.
i have done a ton of thinking in the past few days. it is the kind of thinking that feels circular; thoughts lead to other thoughts but, in the end, the same conclusions are reached regardless of how you get there.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
life can be so unexpected. just when you think you know what will happen, someone will surprise you. someone will affect you in a way you really didn't think was possible (again). words begin to bring physical reactions. thoughts begin to bring deeper contemplations. and where am i through this? trying to keep up and cherish the feelings, as they drill to the root of what i believe it is to be human.
the world is kind of spinning. i'm feeling good about it, for the most part. i've had to make some decisions, both personal and work-related, and i think i know i did the right thing. i've relied heavily on my gut reactions lately, and if i can trust anyone, it's me. and if i happen to be wrong, i am wrong. i adjust, i compensate.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
i knew i wanted to post today, and i knew it also would be very difficult. difficult in the sense that i really don't know what to share, how much to share, and if anything really even needs to be said at all. my mind has been in overdrive the past few days, and not really specifically about anything. the thoughts are all there, i'm just not making progress. sometimes i really loathe the fact that i feel like i'm ill-prepared to have conversations. i guess it's just me throwing up words without really thinking through if it should even be brought up or not. i go through fits of feeling this way versus really feeling okay just saying what's on my mind. really, what's the worst that can happen?
i'm reading this new book, and two of the main ideas behind it are (very simply said).. live the moment and leave no regrets. i took these to heart. i think they're important. i never want to be that person who looks back on their life and wishes they'd taken more risks or that they had spent their time in more fulfulling ways. i don't want to regret what i did not do. so, that begs me to live in action, which i am becoming better at. and, so far, no regrets.
i'm reading this new book, and two of the main ideas behind it are (very simply said).. live the moment and leave no regrets. i took these to heart. i think they're important. i never want to be that person who looks back on their life and wishes they'd taken more risks or that they had spent their time in more fulfulling ways. i don't want to regret what i did not do. so, that begs me to live in action, which i am becoming better at. and, so far, no regrets.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
it may sound silly, but one of the reasons i am not ready to change jobs is that the whole process of becoming comfortable in a work environment, comfortable with your co-workers, and enjoying your time is difficult. i hate going through it, and i really don't want to right now. plus, i've gone through leaving and wishing i hadn't; this time, i'll evaluate more clearly before i make any sudden changes. if i can create a little more balance, and really stop thinking about work the second i step out of the office, i am really not in such a bad place.
i'm becoming a better listener. if only i could give advise worth a shit. i guess if i can be that person that ___ just needs to exhale to, i am more than okay with that. i only wish i could help.
i'm becoming a better listener. if only i could give advise worth a shit. i guess if i can be that person that ___ just needs to exhale to, i am more than okay with that. i only wish i could help.
Monday, January 7, 2008
as far as turning points go, today was big. the paperwork is filed. it's now a waiting game. 90 days. the countdown begins.
i wrote a letter. actually, i wrote it last week or so. it's been sitting in my closet, gathering dust.
so, today's thoughts surround the idea that i can try to be completely emotionally self-sufficient. but, i don't want to be. it can't be healthy to be. i mean, i want to discuss things, i want to confide in others, and i want balance. beyond this idea, i need to be supported. i want to know that if i desire, i can call or email or show up and it's ok. i don't want to have to second-guess it.
i think the line between taking a stand and feeling regretful is extremely fine. and the problem is, i won't know if i've crossed it until it is too late. this feels like a rock and a hard place.
so, today's thoughts surround the idea that i can try to be completely emotionally self-sufficient. but, i don't want to be. it can't be healthy to be. i mean, i want to discuss things, i want to confide in others, and i want balance. beyond this idea, i need to be supported. i want to know that if i desire, i can call or email or show up and it's ok. i don't want to have to second-guess it.
i think the line between taking a stand and feeling regretful is extremely fine. and the problem is, i won't know if i've crossed it until it is too late. this feels like a rock and a hard place.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
one of the things i missed about not having a blog is the ability to track back months or years and re-live past experiences. life is busy; i forget a lot of things and i don't want to. i confess, mostly i look back and really wonder what the hell i was thinking. in the same breath, it's helpful for me to not make similar mistakes in the future or try not to.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
maybe at some point, i won't have to hold things back. or maybe, always doing so shouldn't be seen as a negative thing. maybe what it is, is baring all means i lose some control and i become vulnerable. or, more vulnerable than presently. i'm good. i'm living day-to-day. i'm taking advantage of my freedom. i'm not passing up opportunities. i'm controlling what i can control and being okay with what i can't.
being single (soon) again has it's positives and negatives. but i am looking forward to meeting someone new. i've learned a lot about what i don't want, but sometimes it's harder to pinpoint what i do want. i don't know how soon i will want to involve myself in anything but all i do know, is that i won't limit myself; i'll just be open to what comes and take things as they are.
being single (soon) again has it's positives and negatives. but i am looking forward to meeting someone new. i've learned a lot about what i don't want, but sometimes it's harder to pinpoint what i do want. i don't know how soon i will want to involve myself in anything but all i do know, is that i won't limit myself; i'll just be open to what comes and take things as they are.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
sometimes it's comical how adults can be so petty; especially about things that really shouldn't be issues. i would hope by this time in life that everyone i surround myself with (chosen or not) would be past that, but i guess not. i guess the answer for me is to do what i've been doing, just more carefully. that would be to confide in those i trust and ignore the bullshit.
i had a very good chat with a friend today. i needed some perspective and she gave it. i ended up surprised with what she had to say, but i value her opinion greatly. so i'm okay. other than i'm concerned about work.. how much can you trust rumors?
i had a very good chat with a friend today. i needed some perspective and she gave it. i ended up surprised with what she had to say, but i value her opinion greatly. so i'm okay. other than i'm concerned about work.. how much can you trust rumors?
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
i'm facing some hard decisions right now. the new year is as best a time as any to really evaluate. i'm not scared to make decisions; in the past, i would have been. the difficult part is facing situations which i have not lived before. there is no way for me to know if i'm headed in the right direction. all i know is i have strong gut feelings and i don't know if i should trust them yet. one thing i do know, is that i really want to move. i'm tired.
it's 2008 and i have many hopes for what this year will bring. needless to say, 2007 was probably one of my roughest. huge changes in my work, personal, and family life made for severe adaptations and quite a bit of struggling. i know i'm still in the middle of a lot of those circumstances but i see the light at the end of the tunnel. sort of.
i've been working on this layout for the past few days, and i think i'm happy with it. it's simple, and not my normal style graphically but still, i like it.
i've been working on this layout for the past few days, and i think i'm happy with it. it's simple, and not my normal style graphically but still, i like it.