Monday, July 28, 2008
oh yes, i hate work today. i'm convinced some people that work at real want me to have a heart attack and die at my desk. fuckers.
posted by Mar at 11:50 AM
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
it's an acoustic type of music day.
i wish there was a blogger app for iphone. i don't want to switch to wordpress but they sure do make it appealing.
i wish there was a blogger app for iphone. i don't want to switch to wordpress but they sure do make it appealing.
Monday, July 21, 2008
my body has been effing me up the past month or so. it seems like right after i get over something, i get something else. it's frustrating. i've always been healthy, so this has really beaten me down. it's crushed my morale in many ways, and i try to stay positive about it but it's difficult. and now, the most serious thing has happened and i have to go in for 'advanced' testing for abnormal test results i just received today. please, something or someone help me get through this.
otherwise, if i can bring myself past that, i am good. the motorcycling is improving. i'm getting practice in, and having someone ride with me is incredibly helpful. it calms me down, it helps build my confidence, it keeps me from freaking out, and it makes it more enjoyable. i know i have a lot to learn but i'm more confident now, than ever, that i CAN do this. it's just slow going. i went on the freeway for a short this morning and maybe i shouldn't have, but i felt fine. i wanted to start getting used to the wind, and the traffic. and, i feel good that i did it.
life is busy still. between school, switching realtors (and cleaning to get the place on the market again), preparing for vacation (by tanning and shopping), motorcycling, spending time with the boyfriend, and keeping my exercising up -- i'm about tapped out. regardless, i'm managing my time as best i can. and, i'm feeling extremely content with my personal life. most of my energy is pouring into building my relationship with the BF, but it always feels worth it. it's very important to me.
otherwise, if i can bring myself past that, i am good. the motorcycling is improving. i'm getting practice in, and having someone ride with me is incredibly helpful. it calms me down, it helps build my confidence, it keeps me from freaking out, and it makes it more enjoyable. i know i have a lot to learn but i'm more confident now, than ever, that i CAN do this. it's just slow going. i went on the freeway for a short this morning and maybe i shouldn't have, but i felt fine. i wanted to start getting used to the wind, and the traffic. and, i feel good that i did it.
life is busy still. between school, switching realtors (and cleaning to get the place on the market again), preparing for vacation (by tanning and shopping), motorcycling, spending time with the boyfriend, and keeping my exercising up -- i'm about tapped out. regardless, i'm managing my time as best i can. and, i'm feeling extremely content with my personal life. most of my energy is pouring into building my relationship with the BF, but it always feels worth it. it's very important to me.
Monday, July 14, 2008
1. i don't like to fail.
2. i am stubborn.
3. i don't know how to accept help.
4. sometimes i hide.
5. i get frustrated.
6. i push people away.
7. i don't ask for help.
8. i am shy.
i had a bad weekend. in fact, i had a bad week. i was completely out of my element, and i acted in ways that ashamed me. in short, i kind of hated myself.
i took the motorcycle safety class with my boyfriend, and while i knew it would be stressful, i had no idea how it was going to affect me. i've had such a mental block about manual driving that i actually was facing the one thing i actually had accepted i was a failure at. i've had this block for maybe 15 years and so to try to get over it in one weekend was enormous pressure. not only that, coming to grips with something i really wanted, and feeling so alone in not being able to catch on quickly made me disappointed in myself.
in the end, i passed. barely. i'm very happy about it but it's a double edged sword because, to get to this point, i just feel so horrible about how i acted. (see #1-#7 above). it's always been hard for me to let myself go and just BE upset, or sad, or angry -- around someone else. i've always wanted to keep that to myself. maybe to appear strong.. maybe to spare someone else from dealing with it.. maybe to fool myself into believing i can handle the world in my own hands. regardless, it's wrong. and even though being completely naked and open with my upsetness was very difficult and unpleasant, i'm trying to be okay with it happening. it's a learning experience. it was new. and, all i can do is learn from it.
reading over the above list, it makes me sound incredibly unstable and generally bitchy and completely type a. i should say, this behavior from me is rare. but, obviously, things can trigger it. i have things to work on. and, now i know where my starting point is. i have confidence that i can mold myself away from these habits. and, in the otherwise more stable and happy times, i'll still remember the support structure that is in place for me, should i need it.
so, to #8 above, i'm better about it but i've always been shy. maybe part of it stems from growing up fat. who knows. anyway, i brought it up because later this week, dinner is planned with my boyfriend and his relatives. i'm excited, but scared. i always am in those kinds of situations. hope i don't do or say something stupid.
2. i am stubborn.
3. i don't know how to accept help.
4. sometimes i hide.
5. i get frustrated.
6. i push people away.
7. i don't ask for help.
8. i am shy.
i had a bad weekend. in fact, i had a bad week. i was completely out of my element, and i acted in ways that ashamed me. in short, i kind of hated myself.
i took the motorcycle safety class with my boyfriend, and while i knew it would be stressful, i had no idea how it was going to affect me. i've had such a mental block about manual driving that i actually was facing the one thing i actually had accepted i was a failure at. i've had this block for maybe 15 years and so to try to get over it in one weekend was enormous pressure. not only that, coming to grips with something i really wanted, and feeling so alone in not being able to catch on quickly made me disappointed in myself.
in the end, i passed. barely. i'm very happy about it but it's a double edged sword because, to get to this point, i just feel so horrible about how i acted. (see #1-#7 above). it's always been hard for me to let myself go and just BE upset, or sad, or angry -- around someone else. i've always wanted to keep that to myself. maybe to appear strong.. maybe to spare someone else from dealing with it.. maybe to fool myself into believing i can handle the world in my own hands. regardless, it's wrong. and even though being completely naked and open with my upsetness was very difficult and unpleasant, i'm trying to be okay with it happening. it's a learning experience. it was new. and, all i can do is learn from it.
reading over the above list, it makes me sound incredibly unstable and generally bitchy and completely type a. i should say, this behavior from me is rare. but, obviously, things can trigger it. i have things to work on. and, now i know where my starting point is. i have confidence that i can mold myself away from these habits. and, in the otherwise more stable and happy times, i'll still remember the support structure that is in place for me, should i need it.
so, to #8 above, i'm better about it but i've always been shy. maybe part of it stems from growing up fat. who knows. anyway, i brought it up because later this week, dinner is planned with my boyfriend and his relatives. i'm excited, but scared. i always am in those kinds of situations. hope i don't do or say something stupid.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
a lot is going on today. i don't feel like i will have a second to breathe.
however, i feel better. i just need a little touch, a little reassurance. it goes a long way. and, to know i am not alone.
however, i feel better. i just need a little touch, a little reassurance. it goes a long way. and, to know i am not alone.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
i ran during lunch, and then sat in the sculpture park in the grass by myself for a half hour. i craved the run like nothing else. the chance to expend the energy was so greatly needed. i know what i'm feeling now. it's that i'm unsure. it's that i want this, this thing, SO BAD, but at the same time, i am so scared. i'm scared of the unknown. i've got myself wound up prematurely. and, i'm beginning to control it but it doesn't mean i don't have these horrible urges to run. because, i do. but there's nothing but shame in that. there is too much to lose to let my fear get the best of me. i just need to breathe. to let this pass. it will come back, but not living through the experiences would be like death. it would mean i gave up. and, that's not an option.
one thing i can do is realize when something is getting out of hand. it's been a while since i've become involved with anything online that has really kept my attention. and now, it's swung too far the other way. this twitter/twinkle thing has got to stop. not stop completely but i just need to calm it down. it reminds me of why i don't like to chat with people online. it reminds me of all the things i hate about social networking in the cyber world. if that means i have to stop completely, then i do. it just shouldn't be such a big deal. why it even holds my attention, i don't know other than i'm a stimulus whore. it just means i need to find other things to occupy my time. like reading. like spending time outdoors. i see people on twinkle come and go. sometimes they're around, sometimes they're not. i should be that person. holding constant conversations with multiple people that i don't even know is so time consuming and really, for what. i've met a few people from twitter who seem nice, but is it really ever going to be anything like a long lasting friendship? probably not. it's just time i waste because i can. and now, i'm making it a priority to not waste my time that way. i don't have enough time to waste that it should be given so freely to something so trivial.
on another note, i'm feeling incredibly uncomfortable and uneasy today. it's almost overwhelming.
on another note, i'm feeling incredibly uncomfortable and uneasy today. it's almost overwhelming.
Monday, July 7, 2008
i don't treat my family right. i can always be better. but yet, my dad still takes care of me. he helps me with the things i can't do. and that's a lot. he helps me with the silly things i lack knowledge of, and without a husband around, don't have anyone to help me with. so, for that, i am grateful.
when you think about life and death, things fall into perspective. suddenly, really, i want to spend my time as i crave to spend it. i want to say the things i am scared to say. i want to not be afraid of letting go. i want to be spontaneous and sometimes, i want it to be okay that...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
i need you.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
i need you.
the holiday weekend is over. i had a great one. i actually felt like i got away from work, and was really able to enjoy myself.
that is not to say it wasn't busy. i spent the weekend with ryan and we expend a lot of energy when we are together. all that really matters to me though, is that i'm with him. even when i hit low points, he's there for me. it's this amazing feeling of really, truly, having someone on your side. someone that looks out for you, and can comfort you, even when you feel like you don't want it.
we read a bit, we ran, we went shopping, we saw fireworks .. nothing earth shattering on that front. as much as i can share on another front is to say, we discover things. i won't be dramatic, but this is a big deal for me. it's opened my eyes to what really is possible when you are open minded and feel completely safe with another person. i wouldn't trade it for anything.
as for me, i bought a motorcycle, and i just found out i got a promotion at work. both exciting for me personally. and, on another personal note, the vacation countdown sits at 45 days. so excited.
that is not to say it wasn't busy. i spent the weekend with ryan and we expend a lot of energy when we are together. all that really matters to me though, is that i'm with him. even when i hit low points, he's there for me. it's this amazing feeling of really, truly, having someone on your side. someone that looks out for you, and can comfort you, even when you feel like you don't want it.
we read a bit, we ran, we went shopping, we saw fireworks .. nothing earth shattering on that front. as much as i can share on another front is to say, we discover things. i won't be dramatic, but this is a big deal for me. it's opened my eyes to what really is possible when you are open minded and feel completely safe with another person. i wouldn't trade it for anything.
as for me, i bought a motorcycle, and i just found out i got a promotion at work. both exciting for me personally. and, on another personal note, the vacation countdown sits at 45 days. so excited.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
it feels like fear. actually, more than i tend to feel fear, i tend to have desires. i desire to run. along with the running comes some introverted-ness for a bit, and maybe some outlandishness. there's no rhyme or reason that these feelings wave over me; at least nothing in my consciousness. i'm not focused on work and i'm trying to stay focused on my homework but it's not working very well. my moodiness does bother me, but i feel good about letting it out here in my own confines, rather than bothering anyone with it. it'll pass; it always does. but until i get myself to that point (and only i should be able to), things suck. i don't do the whole balancing thing very well - i want to be comforted by others but is there really comfort in that? that isn't being self sufficient.
just feeling like shit today. it came on all of a sudden also. i'm struggling with this medication i'm on, and i'm tired. i'm uneasy. it's a fuck-the-world kind of day.