blah. i'm doing this thing where i'm constantly staying up too late, and thus, every day i start out tired. i need to force myself to bed but it doesn't happen easily.
i've decided to embrace something i hope will become a hobby of mine. we will see.
so, back on the issue of my sister and our current similarities. well, first i should say i was happy that she asked me for advise. i was less thrilled in the fact that, i didn't quite know how to answer. i analyze well, but sometimes, there is no good answer. there is no clear cut right and wrong thing to do. i've lived that indecisiveness and the questioning, and until you somehow obtain some clarity, it is going to feel cloudy. sometimes taking action is the best thing to do. sometimes riding it out and doing nothing is the best thing to do. and, in the end, hopefully you learned something so that the future can be clearer. in other words, hell if i know much at all.
posted by Mar at 8:38 PM
Saturday, February 23, 2008
i kinda wish comments were not anonymous. but, even after conversing for short amounts of time, i believe i can already tell who they are authored by based on the choice of wording. i feel tired but okay. i should be asleep but had to finish some chores around the condo. i fully hope that tomorrow is a pleasant day.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
i have erased this opening paragraph four times now. each time, it just did not feel right. not that this seems better; i just don't know what to say. it actually feels more like a lack of knowing how to say what i want -- since i know there is plenty in my mind. plenty, so much as, creating a situation where the options are numerous and the feelings associated with each intertwine and overlap. the family situation, the me situation, the friendships/relationships situations... they all pull at my heartstrings almost too closely. some level of detachment might do me some good. or, maybe the issue is that i internalize so much but yet, it goes nowhere. i take no action, i impact nothing. i hope that is all in my mind.
i think i'm in a post-vacation low. it just feels kind of blah.. work isn't exciting, nor is much else. i guess i better get used to being back in the real world. my sister may be coming back for the weekend so that could be fun, we will see.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
ahh, i am tired. it does feel good to be home, but the escape from reality for a few days is something i crave every now and then. we did a lot of walking, had some wonderful food, saw an amazing show, and enjoyed the experience. at least i did. the details aren't really important to note here, as those involved share the memories with me, and that is enough. i hope i can continue to be spontaneous in the future. but for now, i need sleep.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
i know this to be true for both me and my ex-husband. now that we are no longer together, we both have opened up our social networks to people we otherwise either lost touch with, or never did anything with previously. i'm not sure why it took this to happen for people to suddenly want to talk or hang out. that sucks. oh well.
the last few days have been a complete whirlwind. travel plans came together, and i've been so busy otherwise i haven't had a chance to breathe. however, it has been refreshing, and spontaneous, and enjoyable. i need to purchase a few things for the trip, but otherwise, i'm good. i'm looking forward most to the experience and the company. i've always wanted to travel more and be more spontaneous. this covers both, and that makes me happy.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
i met someone.
no, it's not like that. someone that shares things in common with me and that's all right now. someone that has lived where i'm headed and who has connections in the community to help open up my learning opportunities. someone who understands that divorce is real life and short marriages are more common than one would think. i move slowly with new friendships because, like anything else, there is no reason to rush. so between that, and picking up a new book, i've got some good leads.
otherwise, i am well. i've decided to try not hating valentine's day this year. but in thes same breath, i won't be dramatic. no one needs to see that. the weekend is coming together nicely and i'll be able to get out of town for a bit. far, far away from work and responsibilities.
no, it's not like that. someone that shares things in common with me and that's all right now. someone that has lived where i'm headed and who has connections in the community to help open up my learning opportunities. someone who understands that divorce is real life and short marriages are more common than one would think. i move slowly with new friendships because, like anything else, there is no reason to rush. so between that, and picking up a new book, i've got some good leads.
otherwise, i am well. i've decided to try not hating valentine's day this year. but in thes same breath, i won't be dramatic. no one needs to see that. the weekend is coming together nicely and i'll be able to get out of town for a bit. far, far away from work and responsibilities.
Monday, February 11, 2008
if only i weren't so indecisive, today would have been so much simplier. in the end, i made the decision based on knowing i needed to be more patient, and not wanting to give up a lot of the things that make my life enjoyable now, just in order to move. i know i would not have been happy in a new place, if i did not have money to go be adventurous or go try a new restaurant or go take a short trip on a whim.
otherwise, the weekend was very busy and tiring; being back at work felt like relaxing in comparison. however, it was time well spent. i'm taking the initiative to relax my work days, so i have energy to do things out of work. i'm done with over-exerting myself at real, because, really, what is it for? what is the benefit to me? right now, i do not see one. i'm comfortable with where i am at, and i can still do a good job with a little less effort (and time) given.
so yeah. boring post, i know.
otherwise, the weekend was very busy and tiring; being back at work felt like relaxing in comparison. however, it was time well spent. i'm taking the initiative to relax my work days, so i have energy to do things out of work. i'm done with over-exerting myself at real, because, really, what is it for? what is the benefit to me? right now, i do not see one. i'm comfortable with where i am at, and i can still do a good job with a little less effort (and time) given.
so yeah. boring post, i know.
Friday, February 8, 2008
i felt like crap this morning. it was my own fault. i vowed to get to bed at a decent hour but it didn't happen. it didn't happen because i got to catch up with an old friend. even though we don't speak often anymore, i still think he knows me better than almost anyone else. and, so far, he's the only person i feel in can confide in with absolutely no judgement. so i spilled it. and, to my surprise, he and i are going through some similar things. who would have thought.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
my king size bed feels lonely, most of the time. like today.
right now, as i fall into somewhat new daily and weekly routines, i realize that the only thing consistent about it is the presence of spontaniety (sp?). i am adjusting to how i want to spend my time and balancing my individuality with my desire to be with others. i think i've hit a good balance, at least for the time being.
i'm struggling at work, again. the biggest difficulty arises in the fact that, i really just don't like some people. i don't like my boss. maybe it's petty and juvenile but i don't care for his personality, his mannerisms, the way he talks, and the way he looks. add that to his lack of professionalism and you've got a recipe that really makes my blood boil. it makes me feel bad that sometimes, i really can be obnoxious and hostile towards him, because i just can't hold it in. i know i should be above that, but it can be hard. i'm stubbon and really think i deserve to work for better.
things on a personal level are much less negative. in fact, i'd call them good. i've been doing a lot of thinking, and although things are not perfect or perfectly clear, they are evolving. i need motion, preferrably in the positive direction .. but i can learn from either.
right now, as i fall into somewhat new daily and weekly routines, i realize that the only thing consistent about it is the presence of spontaniety (sp?). i am adjusting to how i want to spend my time and balancing my individuality with my desire to be with others. i think i've hit a good balance, at least for the time being.
i'm struggling at work, again. the biggest difficulty arises in the fact that, i really just don't like some people. i don't like my boss. maybe it's petty and juvenile but i don't care for his personality, his mannerisms, the way he talks, and the way he looks. add that to his lack of professionalism and you've got a recipe that really makes my blood boil. it makes me feel bad that sometimes, i really can be obnoxious and hostile towards him, because i just can't hold it in. i know i should be above that, but it can be hard. i'm stubbon and really think i deserve to work for better.
things on a personal level are much less negative. in fact, i'd call them good. i've been doing a lot of thinking, and although things are not perfect or perfectly clear, they are evolving. i need motion, preferrably in the positive direction .. but i can learn from either.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
i heard from my sister today. i doubt she reads this but if she does, i hope she doesn't mind me referencing our conversation. she's been trying to figure out what to do and i realized something, for the first time in maybe 8+ years, her and i are in similar boats. we've always had such conflicting lifestyles and goals but the similarities right now are very apparent..
so, she plans to work hard, save money for a year or so, help take care of mom, and then just take off. take off somewhere in the world to travel, to find something. she says she'll just work her way around and if she comes across a great job, or volunteering, or person, she'll just stay. she wants to be grounded, she wants to settle down. funny the dichotomy (sp?) in taking off to settle down. it is really about the journey though, more so sometimes than the end result.
there is a part of me that wishes i could do the same. i might not be cut out for exactly that path, but there are so many times i wonder if seattle really has enough for me. what if i'll never find it here? i guess the scary part is taking the jump. i know i have many things to work out right now, so i'm not going anywhere right away -- but who knows. there is a lot of opportunity out there.
but first, i want to go skydiving.
so, she plans to work hard, save money for a year or so, help take care of mom, and then just take off. take off somewhere in the world to travel, to find something. she says she'll just work her way around and if she comes across a great job, or volunteering, or person, she'll just stay. she wants to be grounded, she wants to settle down. funny the dichotomy (sp?) in taking off to settle down. it is really about the journey though, more so sometimes than the end result.
there is a part of me that wishes i could do the same. i might not be cut out for exactly that path, but there are so many times i wonder if seattle really has enough for me. what if i'll never find it here? i guess the scary part is taking the jump. i know i have many things to work out right now, so i'm not going anywhere right away -- but who knows. there is a lot of opportunity out there.
but first, i want to go skydiving.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
um, so yeah. i feel retarded; well, semi-retarded and mostly just pretty embarrassed. i don't know why i let the drinking get out of hand; i really tried hard not to. i guess i will have to try harder next time. but aside that, the party ended up being a lot of fun. i enjoyed my date immensly. i didn't have to spend time around people i didn't want to, and there wasn't much of feeling awkward either. good times.