Thursday, June 26, 2008
i am a coward. i am so not prepared to go back to school. i'm actually dreading it. and, it's affecting my mood, and my work, and it's making me unhappy. i know it won't be as bad as i think it will be, but still. i want to quit. i don't want to go. i want to keep myself from feeling this uncomfortable. AHH!!! but, this is my future we're talking about. i need to suck it up - it's just hard.
posted by Mar at 1:21 PM
Monday, June 23, 2008
birth control is confusing. not to be too TMI, but i've been having issues with what i was on so i switched. now, i pinged my doctor about what i can do to rectify my side effects, and they're telling me to double my dose. they did not give me instructions on how long to do it, or how it might affect the long term pill takeage. WTF. further, i started looking up information and saw others talking about their side effects. i started getting freaked out about people saying they lost their sex drive, they started breaking out, they started gaining weight ... and that got me thinking, am i really living with a supressed libido right now? do i not know it because i'm on the pill? maybe i'm just getting freaked out. i don't know. argh, frustrating.
our lunchtime workout class was cut to 1/2 hour because our trainer measured our body fat. mine is 29%. 29%!! he said healty women are 17-23% and otherwise, you're considered obese. there is no freakin' way i should consider myself obese on any level. true, i can be more fit. i feel like i've come a long way, and in some senses, this knocked me down. i ran 8 miles this morning and decided i could handle lunchtime also. but, who knew a 1/2 hour workout could be so difficult. he worked us out extremely hard, and at one point during squats, my legs gave out. i tried hard, but i think i just pushed my limit. *sigh* here's to a low key rest of the day.
due to a conversation that came up over the weekend, i've begun thinking again (and more) about what i want out of a relationship. during the height of my transition phase, i wasn't sure i wanted something long-term. i wasn't sure i could BE in something long-term comfortably. i thought maybe serial monogamy was something i was destined for. then, i'd never get passed the honeymoon phase of a relationship, and maybe that high was something i needed to feel over and over again. this may sound like a selfish and intimacy-lacking way to live in relationships. i can't say yet 100% if this is right or wrong for me. what i do know, is the opportunity to be poly could change this. it could give me the ability to have a long-term, intimate, relationship as well as a way to still feel the rush of a new partner now and then. how this will play out for me, i don't know. i can't even say that being poly would be the cure-all for me. i don't know that either because i have not lived it. i know it's worth a helluva chance and a bold effort.
even then, i want to believe (deep down) that i am capable of being committed to someone and something greater than just myself. i want to be loyal, and honest, and devoted, and giving.. and i want someone to gladly accept that from me. i can't know if i will ever get married again. i can't rule it out either. i just want to know that committment can be possible.
even then, i want to believe (deep down) that i am capable of being committed to someone and something greater than just myself. i want to be loyal, and honest, and devoted, and giving.. and i want someone to gladly accept that from me. i can't know if i will ever get married again. i can't rule it out either. i just want to know that committment can be possible.
Friday, June 20, 2008
i find it incredibly difficult to build a social circle. sometimes, so much as it's not always worth it. i guess in the big scheme of things, when i try to balance my family, my significant other, my career, my free time, and my exercise, there isn't a lot of time left for building friendships. plus, when i prioritize, all those other things come first. so, it's really my own undoing and sometimes it's okay and sometimes it's not.
i had thought this summer would end up being kind of blah, but it's shaping up to be much the opposite. i'm taking a class to learn how to ride a motorcycle (with the intent of getting rid of my car), i'm taking nursing classes, i'm going on vacation, and i'm going to run a race (maybe two!). i'd like to find time to volunteer also, but it's unlikely i will actually do that. yet, despite all these plans, there's still a part of me that feels empty. maybe i'm not filling it with the right things. and if that's the case, i don't know what 'right' is yet.
i had thought this summer would end up being kind of blah, but it's shaping up to be much the opposite. i'm taking a class to learn how to ride a motorcycle (with the intent of getting rid of my car), i'm taking nursing classes, i'm going on vacation, and i'm going to run a race (maybe two!). i'd like to find time to volunteer also, but it's unlikely i will actually do that. yet, despite all these plans, there's still a part of me that feels empty. maybe i'm not filling it with the right things. and if that's the case, i don't know what 'right' is yet.
Monday, June 16, 2008
it might seem sappy but i cry when i watch grey's anatomy. it's the feelings behind the relationships, it's how they relate to medicine, and it's how i see my life played out on the small screen.
it's the alzheimer's. it has brought me so many feelings that i can't let go of, and really know i have never fully explored, understood, or come to grips with. i may never get to that point, and if i don't, i'll be a worse off person for it.
i feel things that just don't seem right. in the big scheme of the world and what is acceptable, i suddenly become a complete hypocrite, evil, horrible human. and, i do not know how to deal with it. i don't know if it's right to just feel and accept it? do i try to share it and let everyone else try to make me believe i'm really a good person? i don't know. but, i have never been in a place where i felt i could completely open up to anyone. and so i struggle by myself, and continuously worry about what this all is doing to me.
i feel selfish. i always seem so concerned with how i am dealing with this. i think about others, but mostly in relation to myself.
i feel jealous. i wonder how others can be so 'okay' on the outside in dealing with mom day to day. i wish i could be that - i wish i could be okay.
i live in denial. i live every moment of every day in denial. i understand medically what is happening but emotionally, i don't want to deal with it. i don't know how. i run away. in the short instances i am around her, i don't know what to say. i don't know how to act. and this hurts. i used to always try to be the happy, upbeat one.. but it doesn't seem to matter anymore.
and, i have thoughts.
sometimes, i get mad at the world. it doesn't seem fair. why did this have to happen to me and my family. what did we do to deserve this? am i being punished? and, then, when i believe i am being punished, i also believe i deserve it. i can never think of another explanation.
sometimes, i think it's not worth it. it's been almost 5 years since she was officially diagnosed. i tried so hard early on. i talked to her on the phone every morning. i had her over on the weekends and i made lunch. now, i can't bear to be alone with her. i feel lost. when i think about it not being worth it, i always end up saying - 'what's the use, does it really matter anymore?'
sometimes, i wish it was over. my mom is dying. the call alzheimer's the long goodbye - and it is just that. but, in reality, i've already said goodbye. i don't know when or how, but all i know now, is that it's too late. she's not MY mom anymore. she's not even a sliver of what i knew her as. and, this hurts because i never realized it was happening. that my window for goodbye was quickly approaching. the reflection of what was and should have been is so difficult to face. all the time i never took, all the things we never did, all the things i never said. i don't think a day will go by the rest of my life that i don't mourn that. i will never be able to look back on this horrible life experience and think, 'yeah, i did all i could'. i know i didn't. i know i'm not. i just don't know how to turn this around. sometimes i want to accept that maybe i just can't do it. that maybe i'm just not strong enough, or good enough, to be there for her through it.
sometimes, i am mad at her. i'm mad that she got this. i am mad that there is a possibility i could get it. and i'm mad for all the years that were taken from me with her. all the things she'll never know about me. i'm mad that my dad has to do this and has to live through and past it.
and sometimes, i'm just unbearably sad. and i cry. and i wish, so hard, that something about it could be easy. that some good in the world would spare me and us some small glimmer of hope. but then, i realize, there is none. my reality is this foggy dark surrounding with no escape. and then -- nothing happens. here i am, still the same, to face another day of the feelings. alone.
it's the alzheimer's. it has brought me so many feelings that i can't let go of, and really know i have never fully explored, understood, or come to grips with. i may never get to that point, and if i don't, i'll be a worse off person for it.
i feel things that just don't seem right. in the big scheme of the world and what is acceptable, i suddenly become a complete hypocrite, evil, horrible human. and, i do not know how to deal with it. i don't know if it's right to just feel and accept it? do i try to share it and let everyone else try to make me believe i'm really a good person? i don't know. but, i have never been in a place where i felt i could completely open up to anyone. and so i struggle by myself, and continuously worry about what this all is doing to me.
i feel selfish. i always seem so concerned with how i am dealing with this. i think about others, but mostly in relation to myself.
i feel jealous. i wonder how others can be so 'okay' on the outside in dealing with mom day to day. i wish i could be that - i wish i could be okay.
i live in denial. i live every moment of every day in denial. i understand medically what is happening but emotionally, i don't want to deal with it. i don't know how. i run away. in the short instances i am around her, i don't know what to say. i don't know how to act. and this hurts. i used to always try to be the happy, upbeat one.. but it doesn't seem to matter anymore.
and, i have thoughts.
sometimes, i get mad at the world. it doesn't seem fair. why did this have to happen to me and my family. what did we do to deserve this? am i being punished? and, then, when i believe i am being punished, i also believe i deserve it. i can never think of another explanation.
sometimes, i think it's not worth it. it's been almost 5 years since she was officially diagnosed. i tried so hard early on. i talked to her on the phone every morning. i had her over on the weekends and i made lunch. now, i can't bear to be alone with her. i feel lost. when i think about it not being worth it, i always end up saying - 'what's the use, does it really matter anymore?'
sometimes, i wish it was over. my mom is dying. the call alzheimer's the long goodbye - and it is just that. but, in reality, i've already said goodbye. i don't know when or how, but all i know now, is that it's too late. she's not MY mom anymore. she's not even a sliver of what i knew her as. and, this hurts because i never realized it was happening. that my window for goodbye was quickly approaching. the reflection of what was and should have been is so difficult to face. all the time i never took, all the things we never did, all the things i never said. i don't think a day will go by the rest of my life that i don't mourn that. i will never be able to look back on this horrible life experience and think, 'yeah, i did all i could'. i know i didn't. i know i'm not. i just don't know how to turn this around. sometimes i want to accept that maybe i just can't do it. that maybe i'm just not strong enough, or good enough, to be there for her through it.
sometimes, i am mad at her. i'm mad that she got this. i am mad that there is a possibility i could get it. and i'm mad for all the years that were taken from me with her. all the things she'll never know about me. i'm mad that my dad has to do this and has to live through and past it.
and sometimes, i'm just unbearably sad. and i cry. and i wish, so hard, that something about it could be easy. that some good in the world would spare me and us some small glimmer of hope. but then, i realize, there is none. my reality is this foggy dark surrounding with no escape. and then -- nothing happens. here i am, still the same, to face another day of the feelings. alone.
the vacation countdown is on. 66 days and counting ..
i did it. i ate meat. and, not just meat... a cheeseburger! two actually.. with a strawberry milkshake. i savored it and enjoyed it to no end. i'm proud of myself for actually doing it. the craving is gone now.
i know people don't enjoy reading about relationships. hell, i don't like hearing about all the drama and shit that others sometimes want to dump. on the flipside, all the lovey stuff sometimes is too much for me also. so, i'll keep it brief. there's not much to say, other than, i am in a good place. never before have i found the blend of comfort, vulnerability, silliness, sexuality, and chemistry to be so strong. there is an existance on many levels, which speaks to both our abilities to be an individual first, and there for each other, second.
further, lately, my world has felt like two seperate entities. there's my 'me' time, which encompasses work, and family, and what i do alone. this feels very normal. it is every-day. then, there is the 'us' time. this is where i feel like i glow. it feels like another dimension.. it's the world revolving around me and him and i can tune out everything else as much or as little as i like. hopping between these two entities keeps life interesting for me, right now, with some other small flares thrown in.
i know people don't enjoy reading about relationships. hell, i don't like hearing about all the drama and shit that others sometimes want to dump. on the flipside, all the lovey stuff sometimes is too much for me also. so, i'll keep it brief. there's not much to say, other than, i am in a good place. never before have i found the blend of comfort, vulnerability, silliness, sexuality, and chemistry to be so strong. there is an existance on many levels, which speaks to both our abilities to be an individual first, and there for each other, second.
further, lately, my world has felt like two seperate entities. there's my 'me' time, which encompasses work, and family, and what i do alone. this feels very normal. it is every-day. then, there is the 'us' time. this is where i feel like i glow. it feels like another dimension.. it's the world revolving around me and him and i can tune out everything else as much or as little as i like. hopping between these two entities keeps life interesting for me, right now, with some other small flares thrown in.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
the sun has finally broken through. work seems to be kind of light with my manager gone. i'm enjoying the slightly relaxed environment. i am looking forward to the weekend also. i always enjoy my weekends but i plan for this one to be diverse. a little relaxing, some reading, some exercise, some gaming.. mostly just appreciating and enjoying my time with my favorite person. :-)
sometimes i can be socially retarded. one of these areas revolves around meeting people i've chatted with online, in person. i'm deathly afraid of it. i always have been. i might have said this before but i like it when people are similar in person and online. most people are not. thus, there is a very high chance someone you like online, you will not like in person. i want to get over this. mostly because of twinkle, i've discovered some pretty cool people online that live near me. and, i don't want to miss out on a chance to make a new friend because i'm afraid. so, i'm trying to be open about it.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
i had a rough go at it yesterday. i wanted to blog but didn't have my laptop, that might have been for the better.
i've calmed down. one thing i can say, is that i finally re-discovered my motivation for pursuing a medical career. it was sitting right infront of my face all along.. i just neglected to notice, again. i signed up for classes, i'm going to focus. the path i want to take is kind of clear but whether it will always be this clear, i doubt it. things will likely change along the way. but at least i can start. it does feel as if i'm making a lot of sacrifices for this. my financial future, my freedom, my independence. but, i need something to believe in. i need a goal. and so, for that, i will focus.
i met up with sher yesterday. through our discussions, i realized something. she's a lot stronger than she lets on. what she's dealt with at home for the past month is more than i think i can bare. i always try to be mentally strong and believe that i can handle whatever life throws at me - but this.. this is different. i'm not handling it well. i'm living in denial. i'm backing away and wanting to run when i should not. i'm having a hard time facing reality and actually taking action. i can't think about it sometimes because it just hurts too much. so, the denial takes over. i try to ignore what is blatently there and then i come to this place. a place where i know i don't belong. and then, i question myself. am i really a good person? would someone who is caring and loving act as i have? shouldn't i be able to buck up and just do what needs to be done? i don't have any answers right now. i'm treading water in a deep pool indefinitely, without a life jacket, and fear that i need to drown before i realize i need to be rescued. the problem with that is - it's too late.
i've calmed down. one thing i can say, is that i finally re-discovered my motivation for pursuing a medical career. it was sitting right infront of my face all along.. i just neglected to notice, again. i signed up for classes, i'm going to focus. the path i want to take is kind of clear but whether it will always be this clear, i doubt it. things will likely change along the way. but at least i can start. it does feel as if i'm making a lot of sacrifices for this. my financial future, my freedom, my independence. but, i need something to believe in. i need a goal. and so, for that, i will focus.
i met up with sher yesterday. through our discussions, i realized something. she's a lot stronger than she lets on. what she's dealt with at home for the past month is more than i think i can bare. i always try to be mentally strong and believe that i can handle whatever life throws at me - but this.. this is different. i'm not handling it well. i'm living in denial. i'm backing away and wanting to run when i should not. i'm having a hard time facing reality and actually taking action. i can't think about it sometimes because it just hurts too much. so, the denial takes over. i try to ignore what is blatently there and then i come to this place. a place where i know i don't belong. and then, i question myself. am i really a good person? would someone who is caring and loving act as i have? shouldn't i be able to buck up and just do what needs to be done? i don't have any answers right now. i'm treading water in a deep pool indefinitely, without a life jacket, and fear that i need to drown before i realize i need to be rescued. the problem with that is - it's too late.
Monday, June 9, 2008
@panda: i read your blog. like i'd said before, i learn things from it. what you share is enlightening for me. sometimes it helps me see the importance of events that happen. otherwise, it just feels like me, doing my thing and you doing yours. i like to know that it is more than that sometimes. i like to know that yes, discoveries are important for our growth and for each of us, individually.
i've never believed there was one soul mate in this world for me. and if i ever did want to believe it, i knew i would never end up with that person. it's not realistic. what i do believe is there are people in this world that i am compatible with; a select few more than the numerous others. and compatibility is only what helps give a relationship the ability and desire to progress. whether it will, is entirely another issue. that being said, i understand now what it feels like to have a base compatibility to grow on.
i know there are issues still, things are not perfect. but, they're worth working through because the rewards that are possible in this kind of partnership could bring me things i never dreamt were realistic. i've opened up. i've shared things i never felt comfortable doing before. i've acted in ways i've always wanted to; or maybe never knew i wanted to because it was never okay. and, for this, i am grateful.
i do know, still, that i have a ways to go. i still hesitate. in my exploration and feelings of safe-ness, i still worry about pushing too far. sharing too much. the imaginary line is there somewhere, in the dark, and i fear stumbling across it at high speeds. the safe cushy landing on the otherside of the line? i think it's there. i hope it is.
i know there are issues still, things are not perfect. but, they're worth working through because the rewards that are possible in this kind of partnership could bring me things i never dreamt were realistic. i've opened up. i've shared things i never felt comfortable doing before. i've acted in ways i've always wanted to; or maybe never knew i wanted to because it was never okay. and, for this, i am grateful.
i do know, still, that i have a ways to go. i still hesitate. in my exploration and feelings of safe-ness, i still worry about pushing too far. sharing too much. the imaginary line is there somewhere, in the dark, and i fear stumbling across it at high speeds. the safe cushy landing on the otherside of the line? i think it's there. i hope it is.
Friday, June 6, 2008
being around someone you just don't have much in common with anymore is hard. it's the lack of things to talk about that are interesting that makes things weird, along with the general dumping that seems to happen. it just doesn't feel very positive. it's just change. it's just feeling stuck and wanting to get un-stuck.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
i have worked extremely hard this week. it's drained me mentally and physically. then, when the weekend comes around, i want to rest but then i don't want to waste the weekend. trying to find that balance is difficult.
yesterday, i had a new experience. i can appreciate new things regardless if it ends up being something great or not. this, however, did turn out to be great. the details are not important, suffice to say that experiences such as this remind me how much i enjoy discovering good things and sharing it with someone else.
i'm really strugging with this whole nursing/pa thing. the problem is, i'm not sure if it's the right path. i hope it is, but how would i really know at this point? i can't. but, then i think, how will i ever find anything if i don't just try? it's hard.
yesterday, i had a new experience. i can appreciate new things regardless if it ends up being something great or not. this, however, did turn out to be great. the details are not important, suffice to say that experiences such as this remind me how much i enjoy discovering good things and sharing it with someone else.
i'm really strugging with this whole nursing/pa thing. the problem is, i'm not sure if it's the right path. i hope it is, but how would i really know at this point? i can't. but, then i think, how will i ever find anything if i don't just try? it's hard.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
for a long time, i don't think i ever acknowledged it, but perhaps it was always there. or maybe it's just a curiosity. i don't know. lately, it's become stronger. what? the bi tendencies.