it might seem sappy but i cry when i watch grey's anatomy. it's the feelings behind the relationships, it's how they relate to medicine, and it's how i see my life played out on the small screen.
it's the alzheimer's. it has brought me so many feelings that i can't let go of, and really know i have never fully explored, understood, or come to grips with. i may never get to that point, and if i don't, i'll be a worse off person for it.
i feel things that just don't seem right. in the big scheme of the world and what is acceptable, i suddenly become a complete hypocrite, evil, horrible human. and, i do not know how to deal with it. i don't know if it's right to just feel and accept it? do i try to share it and let everyone else try to make me believe i'm really a good person? i don't know. but, i have never been in a place where i felt i could completely open up to anyone. and so i struggle by myself, and continuously worry about what this all is doing to me.
i feel selfish. i always seem so concerned with how i am dealing with this. i think about others, but mostly in relation to myself.
i feel jealous. i wonder how others can be so 'okay' on the outside in dealing with mom day to day. i wish i could be that - i wish i could be okay.
i live in denial. i live every moment of every day in denial. i understand medically what is happening but emotionally, i don't want to deal with it. i don't know how. i run away. in the short instances i am around her, i don't know what to say. i don't know how to act. and this hurts. i used to always try to be the happy, upbeat one.. but it doesn't seem to matter anymore.
and, i have thoughts.
sometimes, i get mad at the world. it doesn't seem fair. why did this have to happen to me and my family. what did we do to deserve this? am i being punished? and, then, when i believe i am being punished, i also believe i deserve it. i can never think of another explanation.
sometimes, i think it's not worth it. it's been almost 5 years since she was officially diagnosed. i tried so hard early on. i talked to her on the phone every morning. i had her over on the weekends and i made lunch. now, i can't bear to be alone with her. i feel lost. when i think about it not being worth it, i always end up saying - 'what's the use, does it really matter anymore?'
sometimes, i wish it was over. my mom is dying. the call alzheimer's the long goodbye - and it is just that. but, in reality, i've already said goodbye. i don't know when or how, but all i know now, is that it's too late. she's not MY mom anymore. she's not even a sliver of what i knew her as. and, this hurts because i never realized it was happening. that my window for goodbye was quickly approaching. the reflection of what was and should have been is so difficult to face. all the time i never took, all the things we never did, all the things i never said. i don't think a day will go by the rest of my life that i don't mourn that. i will never be able to look back on this horrible life experience and think, 'yeah, i did all i could'. i know i didn't. i know i'm not. i just don't know how to turn this around. sometimes i want to accept that maybe i just can't do it. that maybe i'm just not strong enough, or good enough, to be there for her through it.
sometimes, i am mad at her. i'm mad that she got this. i am mad that there is a possibility i could get it. and i'm mad for all the years that were taken from me with her. all the things she'll never know about me. i'm mad that my dad has to do this and has to live through and past it.
and sometimes, i'm just unbearably sad. and i cry. and i wish, so hard, that something about it could be easy. that some good in the world would spare me and us some small glimmer of hope. but then, i realize, there is none. my reality is this foggy dark surrounding with no escape. and then -- nothing happens. here i am, still the same, to face another day of the feelings. alone.
posted by Mar at 10:47 PM