i had a rough go at it yesterday. i wanted to blog but didn't have my laptop, that might have been for the better.
i've calmed down. one thing i can say, is that i finally re-discovered my motivation for pursuing a medical career. it was sitting right infront of my face all along.. i just neglected to notice, again. i signed up for classes, i'm going to focus. the path i want to take is kind of clear but whether it will always be this clear, i doubt it. things will likely change along the way. but at least i can start. it does feel as if i'm making a lot of sacrifices for this. my financial future, my freedom, my independence. but, i need something to believe in. i need a goal. and so, for that, i will focus.
i met up with sher yesterday. through our discussions, i realized something. she's a lot stronger than she lets on. what she's dealt with at home for the past month is more than i think i can bare. i always try to be mentally strong and believe that i can handle whatever life throws at me - but this.. this is different. i'm not handling it well. i'm living in denial. i'm backing away and wanting to run when i should not. i'm having a hard time facing reality and actually taking action. i can't think about it sometimes because it just hurts too much. so, the denial takes over. i try to ignore what is blatently there and then i come to this place. a place where i know i don't belong. and then, i question myself. am i really a good person? would someone who is caring and loving act as i have? shouldn't i be able to buck up and just do what needs to be done? i don't have any answers right now. i'm treading water in a deep pool indefinitely, without a life jacket, and fear that i need to drown before i realize i need to be rescued. the problem with that is - it's too late.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
posted by Mar at 8:33 AM
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