Friday, March 28, 2008
I had dinner with Sher yesterday and then we went home to chat with dad for a bit. Ugh, sometimes the conversations run in circles and it gets annoying.. mostly in the sense that I feel like he shoots down everything we ask about in a very condescending way. So besides that aspect of it, I'm laden with guilt. I know I bring that upon myself, it is just hard to let go. I guess I can admit I am sometimes in denial, sometimes just not willing to deal with it. And, then I run. I don't even really want to go into the details -- I just need to step up, cut the shit, and make some changes.
posted by Mar at 8:03 AM
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
.. and I'm really okay spewing this here, and then letting it go.
I am not digging how today is starting out. I try hard, and being analytical helps, to really understand my decisions before I make them. Thus, mostly preventing any regret from creeping into my conscious. However, despite all I think I could ever do, I have days where I question things. Where I wonder. Today is one of those. I woke up with this overwhelming feeling of 'how the fuck did I get to this place?'. Did all the changes I've made in the past year really amount to anything? Am I really happier? Am I headed in the right direction?
By tomorrow, I'll be back to living moment to moment. But, I can't help but reflect sometimes and maybe it's not a bad thing. Who knows. Nothing feels very concretely correct right now.
By tomorrow, I'll be back to living moment to moment. But, I can't help but reflect sometimes and maybe it's not a bad thing. Who knows. Nothing feels very concretely correct right now.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Frustration has set in. I think I've been focusing on the wrong thing. I initially felt like I needed to drop a few pounds. Rather than that, it should be more about toning. I know this, and even though I know I've made strides, it isn't feeling very satisfying right now. Sometimes I think my standards for myself are a bit too high; or maybe just not quite right for my frame. Either way, what a struggle.
Monday, March 17, 2008
intentions can be easy or difficult to read. nevertheless, i often wish more of them were innocent.. were just friendship for the sake of friendship and nothing more. not to say it couldn't happen, but just that it was alright where it was, for the time being.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
this week has gone by fast. a lot has happened and i'm feeling pretty okay right now. in fact, certain areas of my life are feeling pretty amazing. i am never one to get my hopes up but i think it's healthy that i recognize things that make me feel happy and that are positive.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
one thing i have noticed is the prevelance of monogomy preference in all forms of media. i have realized that as my thinking changes, i relate less and less to what society views as 'right'. so, for today, i have focused on the thoughts i have surrounding love and ownership. people become concerned and afraid when they think their loved one is interested in someone else. however, who says that love has a limit? who says that my loved ones' feelings for me will lessen or change because they might be interested in someone else? what we share is still there; still between us, and if it has a strong foundation, it will not be affected. there should always be enough love to go around; there isn't a limit. so, i'm gripping this understanding in principle and in reality, and really attempting to hardwire it.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
it is going to be a rough day. most of the time, i am okay but, less often than i think i should, i have a bad day. i can't stop thinking, and all it does is hurt. sometimes, i even think that i had such a happy childhood that somehow i deserved this, that i guess, we deserved it. some kind of sick payback for being happy. it was too much to ask for things to just be alright.
i struggle greatly with my own thoughts. i feel like an evil being sometimes. i don't think anyone understands (unless you have been through it), the difficulty in, essentially, grieving for someone for years, and it feels like a neverending downward spiral that has no end. and, how horrible do i feel about myself in those moments where i wish it was over. when i think i could stop the denial, the regret, the feelings of neglict.
i always want to know that i can handle my own emotions, and usually it's okay. but, with the other relationships that have been torn apart lately, i feel like my support structure has crumbled and there is little left. at least no one that i think i could burden with my familial, relationship, and professional struggles all at once.
i should go home. i feel physically ill. i can't concentrate.
i struggle greatly with my own thoughts. i feel like an evil being sometimes. i don't think anyone understands (unless you have been through it), the difficulty in, essentially, grieving for someone for years, and it feels like a neverending downward spiral that has no end. and, how horrible do i feel about myself in those moments where i wish it was over. when i think i could stop the denial, the regret, the feelings of neglict.
i always want to know that i can handle my own emotions, and usually it's okay. but, with the other relationships that have been torn apart lately, i feel like my support structure has crumbled and there is little left. at least no one that i think i could burden with my familial, relationship, and professional struggles all at once.
i should go home. i feel physically ill. i can't concentrate.
Monday, March 10, 2008
conversation is nice, especially when it is topical and intellectual at the same time. however, while interesting and new, it makes me long for familiarity. for what i know and who i know.
this weekend was very fulfilling in an emotional sense. i came to see things from different point of view, and things i knew - i just didn't know how to verbalize. the biggest thing being as follows. when you have someone important in your life, everything they give you (time, laughs, love, companionship, support, etc) is their choice to share with you. none of it are things you deserve, or control, or expect. constantly remembering this makes me extremely grateful and gives me a sense of accomplishment, for what i do have and for what i have been given.
Monday, March 3, 2008
i sure have been slacking on the blogging. i've been busy. i've been concentrating.
though now i'm not even sure what to say. i'm very much feeling the transitional aspect of my world right now. i'm questing a lot of the beliefs i've had, and also the ones i think i feel. there are no clear cut answers, no direct paths to follow. if only i could be simple, if even for just a day, maybe the clarity of only thinking and worrying about what is really essential in life, would set me free. maybe it still can.
i bet my family thinks i have been neglectful. it somewhat feels like so.
though now i'm not even sure what to say. i'm very much feeling the transitional aspect of my world right now. i'm questing a lot of the beliefs i've had, and also the ones i think i feel. there are no clear cut answers, no direct paths to follow. if only i could be simple, if even for just a day, maybe the clarity of only thinking and worrying about what is really essential in life, would set me free. maybe it still can.
i bet my family thinks i have been neglectful. it somewhat feels like so.