it is going to be a rough day. most of the time, i am okay but, less often than i think i should, i have a bad day. i can't stop thinking, and all it does is hurt. sometimes, i even think that i had such a happy childhood that somehow i deserved this, that i guess, we deserved it. some kind of sick payback for being happy. it was too much to ask for things to just be alright.
i struggle greatly with my own thoughts. i feel like an evil being sometimes. i don't think anyone understands (unless you have been through it), the difficulty in, essentially, grieving for someone for years, and it feels like a neverending downward spiral that has no end. and, how horrible do i feel about myself in those moments where i wish it was over. when i think i could stop the denial, the regret, the feelings of neglict.
i always want to know that i can handle my own emotions, and usually it's okay. but, with the other relationships that have been torn apart lately, i feel like my support structure has crumbled and there is little left. at least no one that i think i could burden with my familial, relationship, and professional struggles all at once.
i should go home. i feel physically ill. i can't concentrate.
posted by Mar at 8:11 AM