due to a conversation that came up over the weekend, i've begun thinking again (and more) about what i want out of a relationship. during the height of my transition phase, i wasn't sure i wanted something long-term. i wasn't sure i could BE in something long-term comfortably. i thought maybe serial monogamy was something i was destined for. then, i'd never get passed the honeymoon phase of a relationship, and maybe that high was something i needed to feel over and over again. this may sound like a selfish and intimacy-lacking way to live in relationships. i can't say yet 100% if this is right or wrong for me. what i do know, is the opportunity to be poly could change this. it could give me the ability to have a long-term, intimate, relationship as well as a way to still feel the rush of a new partner now and then. how this will play out for me, i don't know. i can't even say that being poly would be the cure-all for me. i don't know that either because i have not lived it. i know it's worth a helluva chance and a bold effort.

even then, i want to believe (deep down) that i am capable of being committed to someone and something greater than just myself. i want to be loyal, and honest, and devoted, and giving.. and i want someone to gladly accept that from me. i can't know if i will ever get married again. i can't rule it out either. i just want to know that committment can be possible.