for all the confusion and crisis i've felt lately, today is different. today, if even it only lasts a short, i'm in a good place. i've struggled with my head and my heart being out of sync and for the first time, i feel some significant progress. i feel as if they've taken a step towards each other; towards a common understanding and place. further than that, i feel as if i'm part of something bigger. i've become intertwined in something that is more than just me and that really, truly, brings out the best in me. and, that may sound corny but by 'best' - i mean more than just that. i mean, i face fears, i deal with struggle, i feel strength, i try to be better. and while i may seem focused on myself, it is that improvement that makes me able to share a better me.
to step away from such deep thoughts of a personal nature.. today was mothers' day. and, it is an intensely difficult day for me. it makes me reflect and wish things were as they were 5 years ago, or further back. it makes me long for conversation, and laughter, and understanding, as it was. maybe more grounded in reality than i should be, i put on the bold face and i block out the emotion as best i can. but i'm tired. i'm tired of the now, and the loss of the familial bond. i'm tired of the awkward silences at dinner, and me sitting there: trying to avoid questions and at the same time, trying to keep my story straight. i don't do well under the veil of secrecy. yet, i am afraid. i am afraid of being a disappointment to my family when they should be the ones i gain the most support from. either way, i'm not comfortable but it is as it is. i'm not ready to face them.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
posted by Mar at 9:32 PM
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